Being wanted is a feeling that is innate and borne into us as soon as we leave the womb and feel that loving embrace from our mother, someone who truly and unconditionally wants us… most of the time. I have completely forgot what it felt like to be wanted after being stuck in a relationship for almost a decade where our relationship was devoid of emotional connection and I truly believe neither party “wanted” the other. There are tonnes of baggage, disappointments, and sadness that has festered and allowed to stew to create a horrendous cyst that was drained every now and then but always kept growing back because the root was never removed – and I personally did not think it could be. We stayed together for so long because of our daughter but the Universe finally said enough is enough and gave me a sign to move on and my gut has taken me so far in this world so I decided to proceed. This story takes place one month after the separation and is another fulcrum moment in my life that I will always cherish. This happened on Friday and it’s currently early Tuesday morning therefore I wanted to get my feelings down of what I felt before my memories and emotions start to blur and it’s not as poignant. My hope is that I can look back on this post when I’m in a spot where love has left me and I’ve become callous, that it can remind me that there is love out there and it’s the best high you can get. Warning – major cheese ahead, proceed with caution and eyeballs ready to roll backwards.
A Going Away Party at Suki’s Karaoke Bar
A member of our MBA cohort was leaving back to his hometown so we all got together for one last time at this bar which I use to drive past all the time when I worked out in Hillsboro but have never noticed. I walked in around 9:30 PM or so when the party started at 8 because I was busy watching LeBron James try to come back from a 3-0 Finals deficit. I enjoyed the atmosphere because there was a diversity of folks – a group of cosplaying friends, the long-term couples in the back, the college kids in the corner, and the creepy old guy right in front watching the drunken Asian guy sing Amish Paradise. There were eight of us with six being part of the cohort and the other two girls being friends. Things started uneventful as I just went to the bar to catch up by drinking summer shandys… I can’t help it but they’re delicious. After about three of those I was ready to karaoke!!
Focus is Great but Learn to Look Up Once in a While
During this time, I had taken an interest into one of our cohort members and spent the majority of the night talking with her. My plan was, as corny as it sounds, to sing “As Lovers Go” by Dashboard Confessional to explain to her my feelings – I know right, what is this? High school? But the plan was foiled by the DJ not having that song so I settled for some “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch which is an awesome melody in itself but didn’t quite get the message across, but it was also a super fun song to sing. So after the song, and a few more beers, I went to talk to my cohort member some more and came off way too forward. Like when you take that leap with your crush and you wish you can get back on the ledge but that train has choo-choo’ed away. Anyways, she was not interested. A quick detour in the story but I tried to see if it would work over the weekend by messaging her but she was not having it – I was almost about to buy her a gift/flowers and have it sent to her but before I did I googled “when to know when to stop trying to get someone who is not interested” or something like that and found this absolute gem of an article by Love Panky: here is the link. First and foremost, I do not blame her for anything. I completely understand that everyone has their preferences and clearly I was not her type and it was hard for me to understand that at the time but the article helped me overcome that mindset. Anyway, I had spent the entire night focusing on someone who had absolutely no interest in me that I did not notice the stunning girl sitting across the table from me.
A Thousand Splendid Suns
I honestly don’t recall how it happened but we ended up drinking canned Tecate at a table all to ourselves. The alcohol was flowing and we ended up starting to get closer and closer then I had flashbacks to middle school of playing the “nervous” game where you would creep your hand up until the other person said they were nervous – we were as nervously close as could be. When the orange musky bar light illuminated her face, the first thing I noticed was that her face was kissed with hundreds of freckles. They were generated randomly yet somehow in all the chaos of genetics, their beauty was undeniable. The first thing that popped into my mind when I first saw those freckles was that it made her face radiantly beautiful and bore the glow of a thousand splendid suns. Now whenever I see another freckled face, hers will always be the golden standard that I would set all else to.
Living in the Moment
It all started with her hair being all frizzy on one side because of the humidity I guess, not sure since I don’t have long girl hair. As soon as I reached up to fix her hair, to her great surprise, I felt a strange surge of warmth that was mixed with desire and acceptance. She asked if I did that to truly fix her hair or if I was just trying to touch her and I replied both, and she whispered that she liked it. I repeated the kind gesture a second time but this time she reached up to hold my brushing hand and gravity pulled us together in a delicate embrace. It was the first time I kissed a different woman in almost a decade and it was life changing. I cannot speak for her, but for me, it was so eventful for me because I was currently in a state where I was unsure of myself. Was I attractive? How am I going to recover from being in such a long relationship? What if I’m a terrible single person and no one wants to date me? Should I just go back to the safety of my ex and forgive? But her kiss showed me that yes, there is more than one girl in this world. When our eyes entwined, I saw something that I haven’t seen in many, many years… my longing for that person being accepted and then mutually reciprocated. The Universe has a great sense of humor if you haven’t noticed, how do I know? Because for the brief moment that my ears became lucid, I heard some drunk dude signing Mirrors by Justin Timberlake and among many other things, that song will forever remind me of her. It was a beautiful experience in my life because for that brief moment in time, I was utterly and completely lost in her soulful chocolate eyes. I felt like Leo and his wife in Inception where they had already spent a lifetime together in what amounted to just a fraction of time in reality. I didn’t care that the night would eventually end, I didn’t care if there were people staring at us, or that I will probably never see her again after tonight. For once in my life, I was in the moment and not thinking about the next step. I will forever be indebted and grateful to her for giving me an experience that I will cherish it for as long as I need it.
Be Patient, There is Love Out There and It’s Beautiful
In our marketing classes, we saw a TedTalk with Drew Dudley talking about lollipop moments where an insignificant event in your own personal life makes a profound impact on somebody else’s. In his case, it was telling a shy guy to give a lollipop to the girl standing in front of him in line, that small ice breaker led to the two being married several years later. Once again, I can’t speak for her and this might just be another drunken random make-out session in a bar but to me it was an epiphany and a reminder that there are people out there who are interested in you and are more than willing to reciprocate your love. I have nothing but complete admiration for her, I feel as if she was an angel sent down to help lift my spirits and all I can pray for is that I made her feel happy in our short moment together.